Kissing You
by Maduin
Summary: a letter from subaru to seishirou after seishirous death..


**Kissing You***

  
  
  
_pride can stand a thousand trials.._   
  
You're gone now, you left me. Just like before. I searched, for years. But you've gone, and there is nothing I can do to bring you back now. Do you think of me? I miss you. I miss you more then I thought I could. I feel more alone, now, then I ever have. Why? Why did you leave me?   
  
_the strong will never fall.._   
  
I wish I could explain better, what I'm feeling. But I've never been too good at explaining, have I? It took so much pain to make me realize it was you. It was always you. But, I was blind. It took me too long to see, didn't it? Do you miss me, too? Can you? I miss you, and I know I can feel it. I'm alone, now. Alone, by myself..or am I?   
  
_but watching stars without you.._   
  
Sometimes when I look into the mirror, I can see you, staring back at me. Naive, isn't it? I still believe you're here. I wake up, and I pray that it was a nightmare, but it wasn't. Or was it? Only you can tell me for sure. But you're not here now, you've gone away, and left me alone. Alone, again.   
  
_my soul cries.._   
  
Everyday, I wake up, and stare out the window. Sometimes I wonder if it's you, wearing that suit, walking outside my apartment. I can only close my eyes and hope against fate now. But I know it isn't you, and perhaps that knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from believing. I sometimes wonder if I can close my eyes and let it all go. Just stay in that safe blackness. You always wore black.   
  
_grieving heart is full of pain.._   
  
I stopped smoking, you know. You said it was bad for my health, not that I care. I quit, because you didn't like that I started in the first place. At least, I'd like to believe you didn't like it. Grandma is happy that I quit. I'm not sure if I can be happy ever again. A few weeks ago, my life made sense, I wanted you to kill me. But now...   
  
_oh, oh, the aching.._   
  
I never quite understood my emotions. Even that day. You know, I thought my life was pretty bad then, but now that I look back, it made sense. I had a reason for waking up. I don't now. All I can do, is lay my head in my hands, and cry. I don't know why I keep crying, Seishirou-san. It doesn't help, it doesn't change things. But the tears, they keep me alive. They keep me real. Is that what you had planned?   
  
_'cause I'm kissing you..   
I'm kissing you.._   
  
Did you ever know, that when you first came to that place, my first thought was how amazing you looked? You always look spectacular. A real spectacle. It's as if dirt wasn't even on the bottom of your shoes.. But of course, I always see you blood-stained as well. You are, afterall. Even you can't deny that. When you think of me.. do you think of me, and hate me? Do you think of me at all? I killed you, Seishirou-san. Do you know how terrible I feel? I don't know why, anymore.. I don't know why I get up. You were the one thing I had left, now you're gone.. I'm alone, again..   
  
_touch me deep, pure and true.._   
  
Do you feel lonely? Are you inside the Sakura, now, with Hokuto? Are you waiting for me? If you are, I don't think it will be such a long wait, really, now that I'm alone. If it weren't for my pride, I'd have taken my own life by now. Ha, imagine it, *my* pride. When I say that, does that make you laugh? That laugh.. so familiar.. Do you know what I'd do, just to get to hear you laugh, one last time? Even if it was at my foolishness?   
  
_gift to me, forever.._   
  
I've wanted to ask you something, Seishirou-san, did you mean what you said to me? Not like I expect a response anymore, but I do want to ask. You never did say what I expected. Unpredictable as always, maybe that's why I love you? I don't know, really. But I know I do. I still love you, even now, when you're gone. I wish, still, against fate, that I could see you, one last time. One last thing, Seishirou-san, before I let you go.. You lost, Seishirou-san. You lost the Bet we made, and you know it. I won it.. That is, if you meant what you said. Does that mean, I can remember you.. ..and know that I'm not alone, now? Know that you're looking out for me, like before..? Before that day.. nine years ago, today.   
  
  
Credits: "Kissing You" is performed by "Des'Ree" and I thought the lyrics fit the poem nicely and thats why the lyrics are shoved here. ^^;; I thought they fit Seishirou and Subaru perfectly. 


End file.
